About Me
With all that said-- there was a time in my life, not too long ago, where thankfulness and humility was the last thing on my mind. I did not care much for anything and truly thought that my very existence on this earth was 'just because'. Here is my testimony … I would finally like to shed light on a lie of which I have fell victim for so many years … you have to be perfect, pure and righteous before you come to the Lord-- I ran for years because of the shame that greeted me each morning the Lord allowed me to open my eyes. I truly believed that because I lived in sin I was unworthy of everything and anything having to do with Christ; this even included forgiveness. Although I have read many scriptures of a forgiving God and heard countless sermons regarding deliverance and love, for some reason beyond my understanding-- the weight of my guilt did not allow me to believe that Christ was referring to me. Living with no hope paired with a side of continuous shame led me to eventually ask myself why bother? That question only plagued my mind for a brief moment until I physically started to act out what were once just thoughts. I felt like a pimply faced teenager in rebellion actually believing that the whole world was against me; nobody understood me and nobody cared about when I left and how long I have been gone. Like a child craving for any form of attention, I started to say and do things that I undoubtedly knew were wrong. I went to places I had no business going to and made friends with people I had no business knowing. The very actions that once ended in regret eventually became second nature with a dangerous combination of no remorse. I have to tell you-- if you have ever came to a point in your life where a lack of remorse has set in, you should know that not only are you playing with fire but the chances of you getting burned is nothing but eminent. The only hope that I had at that point was not one of deliverance but the hope of only a first degree burn as oppose to one of the third degree. I started to think that maybe just maybe this is the type of life I was meant to have; maybe these are the kind of thoughts that will forever be in my head, maybe these are the actions that I will always be known to carry out and just maybe-- I happen to be that bad seed. After all, everyone can’t be good ... right? The feeling of imprisonment within the confines of my mind was the feeling of internal suffocation, embarrassment, shame and loss. There were many times where I stopped to think of my past filth and my once open doors that I deliberately slammed shut because someone like me did not deserve them. Some would say that time to think equals time of positive reflection; this was everything but the case for me. Within my walk of life, time to think meant time to come up with bigger and better ways to make sure that those hurtful and despicable feelings and thoughts stayed so deep inside me that I would never have to worry about them floating towards the surface. Did it work? Absolutely not, but it surely did not stop me from trying time and time again. In fact, it eventually led me towards the path of nasty addictions, leaving my husband and emotionally abandoning my children. This cowardly type of practice that I continued to visit literally had me walking through life resembling a zombie-- just a constant lifeless frown on my face with a vacant stare in my eyes. Every now and then I would try my best to force a smile but I was not fooling anyone at least not for long. The relentless state that I allowed myself to develop made it easier to turn a blind eye to the very people that I later realized loved and supported me the whole time. Hindsight is kind of a bitter sweet moment for me; it makes me feel so silly yet relieved that the final realization came as a positive one and also one with wonderful and needed lessons. It was not until this rock bottom and eye opening night when all I can do was collapse on the floor and bellow this awfully disheartening and gut wrenching cry to the extent where my body felt weary. I was like a baby starving for hours with no one around to feed me. I had nothing else to say, no more lies to tell, no more cons to pull and no more tricks left in my bag. After many hours of sobbing uncontrollably, my tears suddenly dried up with nothing else to give. It was at that sudden moment when out of nowhere the words that literally saved my life escaped from my lips … Lord, help me!! In that instance of vulnerability, nakedness and revelation-- almost immediately I sensed a warm and endearing presence hold me ever so tightly. It was a feeling I have never truly experienced before. A longed for genuine smile saturated my face with pure elation. I get it! I finally get it! I began to pray consistently and spent my time getting to know my Savior a little more each day. After a while I started to notice a great change in the way I lived my life and even in the way I looked. He freed me from my addictions because I came back to Him and He loves me; He brought my husband and me back together with a love stronger than ever because I came back to Him and He loves me. He broke the shackles of depression and even spared my children from suffering due to my past actions because I came back to Him and He loves me. He allowed my loved ones to forgive me and proceeded to surround me with His children because I came back to Him and He loves me. He opened doors and shined light on the lies and tricks I once fell for because I came back to Him and He loves me. His mercy has loved me free! Now please … allow me to introduce you to my friend, Jesus-- 
My name is S.T.Fullen; I am a Seminary student in the process of completing a Master of Arts in Christian Counseling and Discipleship concentrating in Church and Para Church. I am a proud and committed member of a blessed church and volunteer at a local detention facility teaching bible study and resume writing classes to incarcerated women. My beautiful family consists of three gorgeous children and a brilliant husband of 8 ½ years. I have been mercifully blessed with siblings who are always there for me and parents who have been called to preach. Then there is my in-law family who has loved and prayed for me; even taken me in as if I were one of their own. As I look at my life today-- I am content, humbled, excited and forever thankful for the countless blessings the Lord has laid at my feet. The most wonderful feeling is knowing that God's presence in my life will be everlasting.
Two different roads materialized in front of me clear as day. The road to the left appeared dark, distressed and jaded; I saw myself working so hard and trying my best but always to no avail. My face came across rigid, scared and depressed. I was alone. My eyes stared down that road for just a moment before I took a glance to the road on the right. Although I still witnessed a little struggle every now and then, I was happy. I saw hope, success, bliss and the presence of my family. I know the mere description of each road should come to an obvious answer but before I took one step there was a slight delay. I thought to myself, Wow; I finally understand what it meant for the Lord to show mercy. Who I was didn’t matter, what others said about me and what I thought of myself didn’t matter. He saved me and He wants me back. In that do or die moment-- instead of being faced with just a 'one way sign' eventually leading to a dead end, His compassion allowed me to notice the fork in the road. It was my choice. I then took that step and laid my sins before Him begging for forgiveness. The bible says, I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. (Isaiah 44: 22)
